Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke out of jail after 15 years and was on the run from the cops. He broke into a suburbia house, made his way into the bedroom and found a young married couple. The fugitive tied the young man to a chair on one side of he room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched the fugitive get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck.

His wife started to move her head violently at which the man got up and left the room. The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed “Darling, I saw him kissing you. He can’t have seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don’t fight him or make him mad. Be strong honey, our lives may depend on it!”

“Darling”, the wife said spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way. He wasn’t kissing me … he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you’re really cute and asked if we had any vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, our lives may depend on it!”

Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon… You got nice house.”

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says “Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…”

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!”

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surpise, its me the Hippie!”

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!”

A new, special kind of store just opened up in a Manhatten shopping center. This store sells husbands, yes that’s right - women can browse men from floors of choices.

Actually, there are 6 floors of men, and with an increase in the floor level bringing an positive attributes… a nifty setup - with a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor but if you go up, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. Interesting, right?

So a young woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. “Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. “Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. “Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 7,548,652 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor only exists as proof that women are impossible to please.

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can
take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking
for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany , we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in
four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can
take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both
looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an
arsehole out of Scotland , put him in 10 Downing Street , and have half
the country looking for work within twenty-four hours'.

Excellent.

2 women at a bus stop , smoking , when it starts to rain , 1 stubs out her fag , the other takes out a jonny, ,cuts the tip off , rolls it down the fag , and keeps on smoking " hey , what a good idea that is" says the first woman "what are they called and where did you get them"
" oh these are condoms" she says " you can buy these anywhere now, chemists , pubs, supermarkets " "oh" she says . later that day the first woman is in boots "excuse me" she says to the assistant "do you sel them condom things?" " yes madam , what size do you need?"
" one to fit a camel!!"

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Labrador
Retriever in the middle seat next to the man..

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is
allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent
and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best
there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says:
"Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks

along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for

a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw

on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That
woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat

number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs
about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat,
and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says,

"That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat

number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and

down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then

came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and

proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure
out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the

agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'

Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What does that tell you?'

Watson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.' Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.'

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

" No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

:

How do you finish a circus?

Go for the juggler!

Whats a Shih Tzu??

Spoiler:

...one with no animals in it???

Rover the Sea wrote:...one with no animals in it???

so did you look at the spoiler??

No, honest - never knew what that was for, until now!!

How do you circumcise a man from Burnley??

Kick his sister in the chin!!

Roy Keane may be returning to management sooner than anyone had dared believe, following a conversation he allegedly had with sacked Blackburn manager Paul Ince.

Keane, who we caught up with under a railway bridge swigging meths (2007 Boots - a very good year) told this website: "I was talking to Incey (short for Incey Wincey Spider) the other day about why he wanted to go to Blackburn in the first place."

Ince, who was the first UK black manager ever to be appointed in the top flight replied: "It's quite simple, I am black and the team name has black in it - so it was obvious."

Keane thought for a bit and apparently replied: "Well then I should go to Scunthorpe."

what do you call three men in a tub?



GAY!!!

hahahhahaha... er ha....ha.....ah

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why !

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :

Psycho-
the-
rapist.

www.penisland.com

www.therapistfinder.com

therapistfinder

hahahahaha

/lol

Oh, there's plenty more. These are legitimate but badly chosen domain names.

www.whorepresents.com - Law firm with a twist, it seems

www.powergenitalia.com - Italian Powergen company

www.expertsexchange.com - expert programmers can exchange advice

www.molestationnursery.com - Mole Station nursery in New South Wales

www.ipanywhere.com - choose anywhere for your IP!

www.cummingfirst.com - The First Cumming methodist church

www.speedofart.com - no, it's not trumpy swimming trunks, it's Speed Of Art's site!

I just sat here and laughed for five minutes at that. therapistfinder... I wonder how many people go on that for the wrong reason