Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

IRISH HEALTH SERVICE.

A doctor in Killarney wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. 'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: ' So, Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol..'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'

Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to tee off on the 14th, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One
of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with it to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.

"Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that," his friend says.

"Well," Harry replies, "I was married to her for 30 years"

Dr Gambit had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was
overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to
reassure him, ''Dr Gambit, don't worry about it. You're not the first
doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last.
And, you're single. So just let it go.''
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality.
"Dr Gambit, you're a veterinarian...''

A young boy went up to his father and asked: "What is the difference
between potentially and realistically?"


The father pondered for a while, then answered: "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked: "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied: "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an
opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and said: "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied: "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would have to be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!".

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him: "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars,
but realistically we're living with two slappers."


The father replied, "That's my boy!"

Two men are fishing on a river bank in a remote area a the river on a Saturday afternoon miles away from any radio or TV.

Suddenly one man turns to the other and says "Spurs have lost again."
The other man was flabbergasted and said "how in the name of god do you know that?"
The other man replied "It's quarter to five."

RW & Murphy cross the Road, Murphy is suddenly runover and is lying helpless.....
RW then rings the Emergency services...
RW: Ambulance, Urgent, Murphy's been run over..
Operator: Calm down Sir, Can you tell where the accident happened?
RW: Yeah, outside 28 Eucalyptus Road.
Operator: Can you spell that?
The line goes quiet for Five minutes, then RW comes back on breathing heavily...
Operator: Are you ok, was worried...Can you spell the destination please....
RW: Yeah Sorry about that, I've just dragged him to 3 Oak Street...
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A bloke walks drunkenly into a bar and sidles up to the bar and orders a pint, he asks the blonde behind the bar if she would care to hear a blonde joke.

She replies "before you tell that joke let me just warn you I'm an unbeaten professional boxer and haven't lost in twenty fights. The two blonds behind you at the table are martial arts experts with black belts in karate, ju-jitsu and judo and the blonde over on the fruit machine has just represented Great Britian in the Olympics in wrestling, now do you really want to tell a blonde joke", to which the bloke replies, oh sod that, not if i'm going to have to explain it four times
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did you here about the insomniac, dyslexic agnostic, spent all night lying awake wondering if dog existed.
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heard about a man mith a narcisistic, Schitzophrenic, guilt complex
He used to stand for hours in front of the mirror saying "thats the man officer!"
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Did you hear about the alcoholic dyslexic? Poor guy went out drinking one night and choked to death on his own Vimto
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Bloke walks into a doctors and says Doctor I think i'm going deaf the doctor says what are the symptoms, the bloke says a small yellow cartoon family
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Next time you are chatting to someone who is dyslexic, tell them that "dyslexic" is an anagram of "thick cunt".

It's funny watching them trying to figure out, in vain, if it's true or not.

There were two ships. One was carrying red paint, one was carrying blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

Paddy and RW were working on a building site, Paddy says to RW "I cant be bothered working all day I just want to go home" so he climbs to the top of the building site and hangs upside down on a steel girder, on seeing this the boss shouts up "what the hell do you think your doing" Paddy says "pretending to be a light bulb" so the boss says "go home your being stupid" so he climbs down and starts walking out. RW decides to follow and says "Im going home too" but just as he was putting his coat on to leave, the boss shouts "and where do you think your going" RW says "Home because Im not working in the dark"

"Give it here!"

"NO. It's MINE!"

"I said, let me have it!"

"NO! It's MY turn!"

"C'mon! Give it to me!"

"NO WAY!"

(Siamese twins jacking off)

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

Ive posted it on 606 before but love the joke so much will post it here.

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard, or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was actually quite desirable. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she said. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Love me hard and long or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello," the ugly fat man said. "My name's Cess!"

I was happy, My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties
and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house.

I walked straight towards my car, My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

A guy with a huge dick has a lot of trouble trying to get a girl. When they see the size of his pecker they make their excuses and leave. So he thinks of a cunning plan, meets a hooker and asks her, "Do you mind if we do it my way?"

"What way is that?" she asks.

"Oh, I would just like you to wear a blindfold" he replies.

"Is that all? No problem - let's go to my place," she answers.

They walk the short distance to her apartment. Whilst taking off their clothes he puts the blindfold on her.

"Why do you want me to wear a blindfold?" she asks.

"Because of my religion" he answers.

"What religion is that?" she asks.

"I'm an agnostic," he says, getting on top of her.

"Hmmm - an agnostic - I've heard of those - you're one of those people who doesn't believe in.......JESUS CHRIST!

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

A man is taking a stroll along the thames when he comes across a beautifully decorated bottle with a cork in it.
Curiosity gets the better of him, so he decides to uncork it, and out pops a genie.

Thankyou sir, i have been trapped in there for hundreds of years, and as a reward for your kindness i will grant you 1 wish.

The man thinks about it for a while, and eventually says "I'd like there to be a bridge from here to the united states, so i can drive over and visit my friends who emigrated there."

"Are you insane?" gasps the genie, "do you realise how difficult that is? Think of all the concrete it would take, the steel, and not to mention planting supports hundreds of fathoms into the deep ocean!" "Do you think you could ask for something else?"

The man thinks again, and eventually says "OK, id like my beloved spurs to win the premiership"

" Um.. did you want 2 lanes or 4 lanes on the bridge?"

A man gets pulled over by the police on suspicion of drink driving. The copper asks the man to blow into the breathalyser but he produces a card from his wallet that says “this man is asthmatic, please do not take his breath”

The copper then asks the man to accompany him to the station so he can give a blood sample and the man produces a second card saying “this man is anaemic, please do not take his blood”

The cooper then asks the man to come back to the station so that he can give a urine sample and the man produces a third card that say “this man is a Spurs fan, please do not take the piss”

A Spurs fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Tottenham Hotspur shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in an Arsenal scarf.
"Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Tottenham fans in heaven."
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Tottenham fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Spurs fan.
"Oh really," says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?"
"Well," said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave a tenner to the starving children in Africa."
"Oh," says St. Peter. "Anything else?"
"Well, two weeks before I died I also gave a tenner to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave a tenner to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me," he says, handing the Spurs fan a wad of money. "Here's your thirty quid back, now fuck off!

Its Monday at the Spurs training ground:
Ramos:" Right you stupid cunts its back to basics" (Ramos picks up a ball and says): "This round object is a football, the idea is to kick it in the oppositions net!"
Bentley:"Slow down boss"
(Ramos shakes his head)
Ramos:" I have placed 11 dustbins in front of that goal and I want you all to dribble round them and kick the ball in the back of the net"
About 10 minutes later Daniel Levy sprints to catch up with Ramos who is just about to get in a cab to the airport.
Levy:"Where the hell do you think you're going?"
Ramos: " SPAIN! Even the FUCKING BINS went 1-0 up!!!!"

My old man's a Spurs fan. He is that disappointed with their recent bad form, yesterday he nailed his season ticket to a tree in the park.
He had second thoughts today and went back to collect it.
Someone had nicked the nail.

Spurs manager Juande Ramos gets pulled by cops for doing 90mph in a 30mph zone.The policeman tells hims: "thats 3 points Mr Ramos" He replies: "thank you very much"

Good news spurs fans blackpool have announced they're buliding a roof over the away end for next season you two bob north london cuntbags

following a whirlwind romance Gary Glitter is to marry his fiance tomorrow in Gretna.

When asked why his in-laws weren't invited he claimed his bride hadn't spoken to her parents since a nightmare holiday in Portugal last year

This guy at work wanted to bone one of the girls in the office, but she's married. So one day, he gets so frustrated that he thinks, "fuck it" and asks her if he can give her a good boning for £1,000. She replied with a firm "NO". The guy says, "Oh come on, I'll be really fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. So she thinks for a minute and says that she's gonna have to consult her husband. So she calls him up and tells him the story. He tells her to ask the guy for £2,000, pick up the money really fast, in which time he won't have even got his trousers down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the husband is waiting for her to call. Finally after 45 minutes he calls and asks what happened.

"The bastard used coppers", she replies.

Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A: A quarter pounder with cheese.

Reconsidering that McDonalds for lunch now, eh?

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts.

"She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started!"