Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

While ironing today my wife said "This iron is knackered, it just won't get these creases out!

"No, you just have to put some of that stuff in into it." I said.

"What's that?" she replied.

"Effort, you idle bitch, effort."

Paddy catches Murphy in the barn naked,dancing around and wanking in front of a John Deere,"Murphy man what the hell do you think you're doing" screams Paddy,Murphy replies " i went to the doctor the other day and told him that i was not getting any sex from the wife and he said i should do something sexy to attract her"

Not so much a joke but a prank call which was really funny on local radio here...

...I think this is the clip (can't access in work)

HERE

An audio clip of a BBC Northern Ireland broadcaster being duped into reading out a joke about Jimmy Savile on air has gone viral on the internet.

Good Morning Ulster presenter Karen Patterson apologised during Friday’s show after falling victim to a prank text.

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary).

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

Brilliant.

A couple from Seth MacFarlane who hosted the Oscars:

'This is a story about a man fighting to get back his woman who has been subjected to unthinkable violence, or as Chris Brown and Rihanna call it – a date movie.’ Referring to Django Unchained

‘I would argue the actor who really got inside Lincoln’s head was John Wilkes Booth.’

In honour of Sir Alex Ferguson's retirement, all Premiership matches will play an extra two minutes injury time this weekend.

I was sat on the edge of the bed last night pulling off my boxers when the wife turned to me and said " You spoil those dogs"

glosterrover wrote:" You spoil those dogs"

Took a minute, but I chuckled...

I didn't

Sorry Dr Doolittle

someone must have a joke to cheer me up

Venkys!!!!!!

Young couple get married and go off on a blissful honeymoon,on their return they are unpacking their cases when the husband sees his chance to exert his authority,
"do you see my trousers" he says "put them on",reluctantly his wife does as he asks.
"That will be the only time you wear the trousers in this marriage" he grins.
his wife shoots back "do you see my knickers on the bed? put them on"
"i'll never get into those " he protests
"To bloody right you won't unless you change your attitude pronto"!!!!!!!